Sweet N Social

Author: Tonia Tyler

  • Big Stuff

    Big Stuff

    We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. – Lynn Hall

    I just came back from an eleven day trip that took me to Dallas, Los Angeles and San Francisco.  I spent some much needed time with family in San Francisco.  I had a chance to step back from my work and see where I was headed. I was getting frustrated not at my clients but with myself.

    Each week I try to share a lesson learned. This week I learned the power of clarity.  When I stated my business a few years ago, I really had no clue in the direction I wanted to take.  I had this great notion that I wanted to be of service and basically that’s all I really understood.  I started managing social media sites for clients that needed help building their audience.  I did not have any set price or service plan in mind.  I worked hard on building a relationship with my clients and I can honestly say that it worked for me in the beginning.

    I would say it took about a year for a frustration to set in.  I felt like the clients were taking advantage of my kindness, but I would never address this concern.  It wasn’t until recently that I realized, it wasn’t my clients that were taking advantage of me, it was that I didn’t value myself to raise the standard.

    Lessons Learned:

    1. Be clear about what you will or will not do.

    People are not mind readers. They will not give you more of anything unless you ask.  In the same token, it’s their right whether they choose to continue to work with you or not once you.   It’s nothing personal, it’s just business.

    1. It’s ok to say no.

    Sometimes people will respect you more for being honest in what you won’t do instead of saying yes and botching it up.  If you know in your heart you don’t want to take on a particular project just say so. Don’t be surprised when you get frustrated or angry, you had the right to say no in the beginning.

    1. You can change your mind.

    It’s ok to change your mind. It truly means you are growing.  There is nothing that says you can’t change your mind. Figure out what works and make the change. Don’t beat yourself up!

    Quote source: http://www.quotegarden.com/change.html

     

     

     

  • I Want to be Drama Free

    I Want to be Drama Free

    This post was inspired by a conversation I had with my daughter:

    She was upset when I picked up from work and was ready to quit her job because of the “drama” of her co-workers. The advice I gave her was that yes at times you do have to move on but no matter if you change schools, change jobs or even change spouses, the drama free life you are looking for won’t happen until you do some changing within yourself. You have to learn to let go!

    I am still amazed how we can allow one person to affect us in our daily lives and in how we see ourselves and view success. I want you to see that you have the power of choice on your side and show you that it’s not the situation that’s important, but how we choose to react that will make a world of difference.

    I let go of other people’s “drama” by learning three things:

    1. We all have the power of choice
    2. Happiness begins by eliminating as much negativity as possible
    3. Practicing daily mindfulness cultivates self-awareness

    Truly, no one has power over you unless you give it to them.

    #1 Harness the Power of Control:

    For years I was concerned about what people thought of me, if they liked me, was a doing a good job, but then I realized that I have the power of choice on my side. It wasn’t until I went to Oprah’s Live the Life You want to Live Weekend Tour in August of 2014.  I went to this event by myself and realized that some trips are best taken alone! It caused my perspective of life to shift. It was a 3 day event in Detroit. We were given the cool battery operated LED wristbands that light up during the event.  I wore mine for several months despite the fact that battery died shortly after the event. On the wristband, it says “Oprah’s the Life You Want Weekend” It became a daily reminder to me that we all have a choice in every second, of every minute of every day in how we choose to live our lives. As the sun rises each day so are the chances to make new choices.

    The more happiness I experienced, the less I wanted to it relinquish it because of someone else’s “drama”.

    #2 Eliminating as Much Negativity as Possible:

    I love how The Late Dr. Maya Angelou has so eloquently expressed… “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”  I first had to stop calling what we so often refer to as failures and setbacks in our lives as mistakes and realized they were learning opportunities. They became my lessons learned.

    In life’s lessons there are so often things that we need to learn from them to prepare us for the next challenge. In learning that I can’t control other people’s thought, actions or emotions, life started to become more fun and interesting. I was able to laugh at myself more freely and with less judgement.  The more I become aware of my behaviors the more I seem to pick up on the behaviors of others. As my self-awareness expanded the more empathetic I became.  Being more empathetic opened the door to identifying with the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of others, which simply meant I could relate more to others

    #3 Practice Daily Mindfulness:

    I am not free of judgmental thoughts but I am more aware of when these thoughts and attitudes arise. With expanded awareness you’re able to make more conscious decisions that can lead to better choices.  By making better choices I have had more desirable outcomes and more meaningful relationships.

    I don’t react to people, to the news and to life’s everyday situations that would “back in the day” set me off.  With the power of choice comes the freedom to live life on your terms. I find myself no longer bound by the thoughts or opinions of others. I am not where I would like to be, but I am not the person I was. And if success can be measured by liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it. Then I am truly successful!

    In Jack Canfield’s Success Principle’s he expresses this in a simple and easy to remember equation: E + R =O. (Event +Reaction=Outcome). In this equation the only thing you have control over is the R (your reaction to the event).

    As I stated in the beginning we so often give power to people by allowing them to affect our moods, our days and our lives. By harnessing the power of choice, choosing to eliminate as much negativity as possible from your life and practicing mindfulness to expand your self-awareness you are able to put your life back into focus.

    It’s like rebooting yourself back to your original default setting. When you harness that power, you will honestly proclaim:

    I am the master of my fate
    I am the captain of my soul.

    –Invictus – Poem by William Ernest Henley

    Poem Credit: http://poemhunter.com/poem/invictus/

  • Highlights

    Highlights

    I wanted to say Happy Friday to everyone today.  As this week winds down I wanted to take a moment and share some of the great moments I had over the week.

    On Monday I was able to get my car back from the repair shop. I started having problems with my car’s cooling system in May but I didn’t make getting it a repaired a big priority since I still had my husband’s car to use.  Now that the car is repaired and back on the road, I am able to take my son to school and then head to the park to get my morning walks in.  I love this time of the year because of the leaves turning colors and the cool crisp morning air.  Here is a picture I took of the walking trail.IMG_4676

    Since, I take my son to school each morning and we have two lovely dogs, I have the honor of putting them outside each morning. I love watching the sunrise each morning. It’s just a beautiful reminder that each morning is a fresh start, a new beginning.

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    One of the best things I love to see on my walks is the morning dew dripping from the leaves.IMG_4692

    Here is a picture of the boat house.

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    I wanted to share some of my favorite highlights of the week. Please feel free to comment and share some of yours. -Tonia

  • You Can’t Steal my Joy!

    You Can’t Steal my Joy!

    “We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

    By meditating on a regular basis I become aware of my thoughts. The more aware I became of my thoughts the more I started making wiser choices on what I paid attention to and where I focused my efforts.

    The first thing that captured my attention was the commercials during television shows.  I started paying more attention to what was being advertised and I realized that most of the commercials are fear-based messages that try to coerce you into some type of action, which is primarily to sell their product like the latest dish washing liquid doesn’t kill enough germ causing bacteria.  Another thing I started noticing was a commercial with a catchy jingle isn’t quite so annoying by the 3rd time you hear it. I started putting the commercials on mute.

    The next thing that I started noticing was the amount of negativity in everyday conversation.  The more I tried to focus on eliminating negativity from my conversations the more I found reasons to celebrate even the littlest things.  I found myself singing to the radio and actually dancing around the house as I did such things like vacuuming and cooking.  I eventually stopped watching TV all together.

    My days have been more productive and less stressful. I have more time to relax and enjoy things like lying in my hammock, taking morning walks in the park and spending quality time with my family. I started exercising and found a desire to start cleaning out my garage that has been on my to-do list for two years.

    What I found is that when you find the joy and appreciation for who you are there is no way anyone can steal that joy from you because it comes  from deep within.

  • Thank You

    Thank You

    The most enjoyable time of my day is when I get the chance to sit outside with my dogs, enjoy my morning coffee and watch the sun come up over the horizon.  I sit outside on the deck listening to the birds chirp and the cars drive by. DSCF5996 I look for the butterflies to flutter around in the yard.  I really get excited when I see the beautiful Monarch butterflies.

    Now that the weather is getting cooler, the morning breeze is a little bit crisper. It causes little goose pimples on my arms and legs to rise. The sunlight is getting brighter. I sip on my coffee and take in a deep breath.  I see the dew on the grass.  This is when I realize that I am right where I need to be. I say “thank you God!”

  • Just do you, Boo!

    Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.  ~Cicero

    I wrote this post with this very thought in my mind:

    If I had a chance to sit and talk with the young Tonia, what I would I tell her?

    1. Never give up on your dreams
    2. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes
    3. Not everyone will agree with your decisions, and that’s ok

    Never give up on your dreams.  What I didn’t realize growing up was that everyone has their own purpose in life.  We have our own unique gifts and talents, passions and visions. Not everyone’s picture of success is going to be the same.  I had a dream of being a teacher when I was younger.  I thought the only way to fulfill that dream was to go to school, get a degree and then work for a school.  What I know now is that there are all sorts of “teachers” in the world.  You are only limited by your imagination.

    Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.  I give this friendly advice to my youngest daughter all of the time.  I realized that by making mistakes we learn and grow.  Some mistakes are going to be a little more costly than others but for the most part, you can always get back up and keep moving.  I have made some doozeys in my life but looking back now, I know they have helped to shape and mold me into the person I am today.  I reflect on the past but I try not to stay there long.  I look for the lesson and let it go.

    Not everyone will agree with your decisions, and that’s ok. This was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn.  I was truly a people pleaser for the longest time.  I was afraid of hurting someone else’s feeling but I was hurting mine in the long run.  I was getting angry at folks but I didn’t realize I was more upset with myself.  I didn’t quite honestly like myself. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I started paying attention to the way I talked to myself.  If I said out loud some of the thought s I expressed in my head to someone else, I definitely wouldn’t have any friends at all.  My self-talk was so downgrading.  Once I became aware of the self-sabotage, I made a conscious effort to change.  It wasn’t easy but it has been life changing. I know now, people will come and go, some will like what you do and some won’t but as long as you are true to you, everything will work out just fine.

    The last thing I would tell her is this…  Just do you, Boo!

    Quote Resource: http://www.quotegarden.com/advice.html

  • Raise the Standards

    Raise the Standards

    We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. – Lynn Hall

    I just came back from an eleven day trip that took me to Dallas, Los Angeles and San Francisco.  I spent some much needed time with family in San Francisco.  I had a chance to step back from my work and see where I was headed. I was getting frustrated not at my clients but with myself.

    Each week I try to share a lesson learned. This week I learned the power of clarity.  When I stated my business a few years ago, I really had no clue in the direction I wanted to take.  I had this great notion that I wanted to be of service and basically that’s all I really understood.  I started managing social media sites for clients that needed help building their audience.  I did not have any set price or service plan in mind.  I worked hard on building a relationship with my clients and I can honestly say that it worked for me in the beginning.

    I would say it took about a year for a frustration to set in.  I felt like the clients were taking advantage of my kindness, but I would never address this concern.  It wasn’t until recently that I realized it wasn’t my clients that were taking advantage of me, it was that I didn’t value myself to raise the standard.

    Lessons Learned:

    1. Be clear about what you will or will not do.

    People are not mind readers. They will not give you more of anything unless you ask.  In the same token, it’s their right whether they choose to continue to work with you or not.   It’s nothing personal, it’s just business.

    1. It’s ok to say no.

    Sometimes people will respect you more for being honest in what you won’t do instead of saying yes and botching it up.  If you know in your heart you don’t want to take on a particular project, just say so.  You have the right to say no in the beginning.

    1. You can change your mind.

    It’s ok to change your mind. It truly means you are growing.  There is nothing that says you can’t change your mind. Figure out what works and change what’s not. Don’t beat yourself up!

    Not everyone will like the change, but the empowerment you will gain is priceless.

    Quote source: http://www.quotegarden.com/change.htm

  • Look for the Lesson

    Look for the Lesson

    “The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.” ― Paulo Coelho

    This week has been very exciting. I flew to Dallas last Tuesday and then flew out to Los Angeles on Wednesday.  I had made plans to attend a red carpet event that I had been scheduled for months.  When I had a few little unexpected hiccups in my travel plans, I got so frustrated with things; I almost decided not to attend the event.

    My trip began in Dallas.  The hotel I made reservations with stated they had a free airport shuttle but the day I was scheduled to arrive, the hotel informed me that the shuttle driver would not be able to pick me up.  He recommended the shared ride services. I was pissed because that was the reason I choose that hotel. I didn’t want to get a rental car for a simple overnight stay. Now that I had the additional transportation cost my travel budget had to be readjusted.

    When I arrived in LA I was able to get my rental car without any issues. I drove to my hotel and when I checked in, they asked for additional money. I had prepaid for the room but they wanted money for incidentals.  I didn’t have the money. The hotel clerk suggested that I request a refund through the booking service and that they would agree to the cancellation. I was able to cancel my reservation and the hotel agreed to the cancellation without a cancellation fee.  The only remaining problem I had about $30 to my name until the refund was placed back into my bank account. I reached out to an associate to see if I could crash at her place for the night, but she was out of town.  I was technically homeless at this time. Panic started to settle in. I reached out to my uncle who lived in San Jose and started thinking; I could drive up to stay with him and skip the event all together. I had a Toyota Prius and unlimited mileage.  My uncle told me to hold on while he came up with an idea. I decided to drive to the beach to clear my head.

    I stayed out at the beach for about an hour and a half.  It was now roughly 6 pm. My uncle texted back and told me he made hotel arrangements at a hotel and all I had to do was check in. They would be waiting on me.

    It wasn’t until the following morning when I woke up that I realized that everything had worked out for my good.  I was staying at the hotel I originally wanted to stay at before I even flew out here. The room was paid for and money was in my bank account.

    As in most situations I always try to look for the lesson to be learned. In this event I learned:

    1. Trust in the Universe.
    2. Don’t worry. Take each moment as they come.
    3. Trials come to make you stronger and wiser

    Quote Source: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/trials-of-life

  • Just Start Somewhere

    “Start before you’re ready.” ―Steven Pressfield

    I read somewhere that if someone wants to build a social media presence you have to create something new each day. I whole heartily agree with this statement, but the hardest thing I find is being disciplined enough to sit down and start.

    The one thing writing a blog has taught me is that you have to just simply push through the distractions. There certainly can be quite a few of them when you decided to put action behind an important task.  I had the same resistance when I started meditation.  I would sit down, get comfy and press play on my iPhone, as soon as Deepak would say close your eyes, thoughts of what I needed to take care of would pop in my head. I couldn’t stay focused.  The more I decided I was going to just sit there, I eventually got better.  I became less distracted by thoughts and gained more focus on my meditation practice. I know the same will happen on my writing.

    I have been working on a few techniques that have helped me get more focused on accomplishing some tasks. I have found that if I get still and take some quiet time with myself, the topics of what I want to write about come to me.  When I sit quietly, I ask myself, “What is the message that I would like to bring forward at this moment?” Some of the best ideas have come to me by just waiting.  They have had some A-ha moments.

    I have also found that by just writing out all of the thoughts that are in your head can be a great way to determine a topic to write about.  When you take a moment just to write out what’s on your mind, they don’t have to be organized at that moment, it’s just important to get your thoughts down on paper.  Then when you get the chance, go back and organize what you wrote.

    The last idea on finding things to write about is just pressing play on your cell phone and just record what’s on your mind.  The most important thing with this method is not to leave them in the sound recording. Take a moment to go back, listen and write your ideas down in a notebook or journal.  Again the most import thing is to get your thoughts out of your head and down on paper.

    As with most posts I write about, there is a lesson I would like to share.  This lesson is that you don’t have to things perfect to start, just simply begin with something.  I know my writing will improve the more I keep writing, but what I celebrate each time I post, is the simple fact that I did.

    Quote Source: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/getting-started

  • The Healing Power of Forgiveness

    The Healing Power of Forgiveness

    You cannot change what you refuse to confront – Unknown

    Let me tell you at least one thing I gained when I decided to forgive myself.  My second husband and I have been divorced for over 10 years.  When we divorced, it was not on the best of terms.  There was infidelity and abuse in our marriage that both of us could claim.  We had one child born out of this marriage.  My ex-husband paid his child support and maintained a relationship with our child.  We had always been cordial to each other but since I remarried shortly after our divorce I think that may have contributed to the distance in his and my son’s relationship.  Our child is now 15 years old and for the past year or so, I have wanted my son’s father to be more involved then he has been.  This is where the healing power of forgiveness really made a change.

    In 2013, I was involved in a car accident.  The car was totaled and I walked away with just a few bruises on my arm from where the airbag deployed.  It was a single car accident.  I was checked out by paramedics and then placed in the back of a police car while they did they initial investigation and the tow truck arrived.  While in the police car, a calming presence came over me and I felt that everything was going to be fine.  I was at peace for just a moment. It is a feeling that I have never forgotten.  My spiritual transformation had just begun.

    In 2014, I started meditating.  There were little thoughts that would pop into my head like “it’s not your burden to carry” or the “road won’t be easy but I’ll protect you”.  I also started reading both spiritual and self-improvement books.  Here are some books that really made an impact:

    The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle; Discover the Power Within You, Eric Butterworth; Instinct, TD Jakes; A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle; The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brene Brown; A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson; Spiritual Solutions, Deepak Chopra; The Four Agreements, Don Ruiz; The Universe is Calling, Eric Butterworth and When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron

    In addition to reading, I walked at the park on a daily basis and discovered a passion for photography. During that time I paid close attention to how I spoke to myself.  I looked at what I was giving my attention to.  I started to like myself and actually start to laugh at some of the silly stuff I was holding onto. I was actively checking my belief system and confronting old habits and thought processes. I would cry sometimes but I would also laugh and rejoice at the changes.

    About a year ago, the feeling that I needed to reach out to my ex-husband, a strong but gentle nudge came over me. When he called to speak to my son, I was a little more conversational and we started to talk to each other a little more and eventually I apologized for my part in our relationships demise.  It was about a month ago when he apologized to me.  That’s not where the story ends. For my son’s birthday, I suggested that may be he fly him down to Louisiana to spend some time but he came back and said that his schedule was too busy.  My initial thought that creeped in was, how you can be too busy for your son.  That was my old BS rearing its ugly head.  A few days later, the soft gentle voice spoke and said you did your part, you invited him in, let it go. And that’s what I did.

    A week or so later, his father stated he planned to drive up to Ohio and spend a few days with my son.

    Here is my Lessons Learned:

    1. Work on you first
    2. Let go and trust in Divine timing
    3. Stay open to the Possibilities