I’ve been blogging on and off since 2014. Looking back, I noticed a pattern. I’d write for a stretch, then pause. I returned in 2017 and 2018. I picked it back up in 2022 and then paused again. For a while I thought of that as inconsistency. But maybe those were simply the seasons when I needed to pause, think, and process life.
So today, I want to officially introduce myself.
My name is Tonia. I’m a retired Army veteran with 20 years of military and leadership experience. I carry those lessons of discipline and resilience into everything I do. Most of my insights come to me while I’m walking. Moving through the world helps me process thoughts. It sparks creativity. It also allows me to see things from new perspectives.
I’m also a former podcast host. For four years I hosted Coffee with T. It was a conversational space where guests and I explored personal growth, business, and life lessons. That experience taught me the power of authentic dialogue. It also highlighted the value of giving others a platform to share their stories.
Community is another heartbeat of mine. I organize meetups that bring people together for networking, encouragement, and growth. Whether online or in person, I believe in the magic of people gathering to support each other.
Of course, life lessons don’t always come from formal roles. Sometimes the greatest insights come from my granddaughter, who reminds me that joy and curiosity are powerful teachers. Other times, they come from everyday adventures. These include house sitting and pet sitting. I’ve learned just as much from wagging tails and quiet purrs as I have from leadership books.
This blog is where I weave all those threads together. It’s a space for reflection. It offers practical wisdom. It explores what it means to live with confidence and stride ahead with purpose.
So if you’re new here, welcome. And if you’ve walked with me before, thank you for staying on the journey.
“The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.” ― Jordan Belfort
Have you ever stopped doing something you enjoyed because you didn’t get likes, subscribers or followers you wanted? I want to talk about how we can manage the external sources of influence that keep us from creating the life we want.
One day while I was running, I was thinking to myself that I would stop making Instagram Reels. The problem with that thinking is, I love making Instagram Reel videos. I love taking 10-second clips of video and turning it into a snippet of entertainment. I think that is why I have enjoyed learning how to make YouTube videos too.
Back to the problem, I was getting frustrated because I was losing followers on my IG page and I automatically assume it was because of the videos. I also started criticizing myself for posting videos of the nature I would see on my walks which helps me to stay creative.
I was ready to stop doing the one of the things that brings me joy because of external sources. In many cases we don’t know or will never know why people unfollow, unsubscribe, or unlike us, but our minds will search for reasons and that what was happening to me.
Here’s what we have to keep in mind, their action have nothing to do with us. We are internalizing or trying to rationalize what someone else is thinking when we try to “guess” or “figure out” what made them take action without ever asking them directly. When we do this, nothing positive usually comes from this kind of thinking. We are our worst critiques!
When we decide to stop doing the things we enjoy doing because of likes, subscribers, or followers we are measuring our success by the standards of others. These are what we call external sources of influences. Learning how to navigate these external sources of influences is key especially when it comes to honoring what it is that we enjoy doing and makes us happy.
Here are a few suggestions that have helped me:
Define what success looks like to you.
Asking yourself what feeling are you after is a great place to start. Are you after happiness? Inner peace? Fulfillment? Then ask yourself, what kinds of activities bring me those kinds of feelings?
When I started walking years ago, I was looking for inner peace during a chaotic period of my life. Nine years later, I still walk because I found the inner peace I was looking for in my life. I also lost weight and my marriage is much healthier and stronger too.
Keep in mind why you started in the first place.
Sometimes when we stop to reconnect with our why, we remember what was the motivating force behind starting in the first place.
For instance, when I started my YouTube channel, I started it as a way to provide uplifting content to deal with the COVID shutdown. I asked some of the life coaches in my network if they would like to share some insight on how to deal with the COVID shutdown. My goal was not to become a YouTube Influencer.
By always remembering why I started my channel it helps me to keep in perspective what I am doing it for so when I don’t get the likes, subscribers or comments I don’t have the desire to quit. I have stronger reason to keep going and that is like sprinkles on the cupcake. It also helps me to stay consistent in uploading my content. Whoever is looking for it, when they need it, can find it!
Remember that You Matter.
I think this one is the most important factor in all of this. You matter and your voice matters. Our experiences in life are not exclusively for you. It is for you to share the lessons you learned because of it.
When we take time to learn the lessons along our journey, they can become the missing pieces to someone else’s puzzle. When we allow the external sources of influence to stop us, we are saying subconsciously, that we do not matter and what we experience in life is irrelevant. That is one of the biggest lies we can say to ourselves. You matter, your opinions matter and someone is waiting for your message in the big beautiful world of ours.
Thank you for taking time out to read this post. I invite you to check out my Instagram Reels and leave a comment. Feedback is always welcome.
“Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.” ― Dalai Lama XIV
Quora Question: How did you force yourself to stick to healthy habits?
The very first thing I did was determine what I wanted to create and then I set up rules that would protect my habit until it could “feed” itself.
For instance, when I started my walking habit, my main objective was to find peace during a chaotic period of my life. I had always enjoyed playing and being out in nature while I was growing up. I found peace and happiness so when I needed to find peace, I went back to the one thing I knew would give me that. A walk in the park. I never set out to become a “walker” it just felt right and natural. Nine years later, I still find peace and happiness out on the trails.
I would never encourage anyone to “force” themselves to do anything. I think the biggest success comes from knowing your why first and trusting the process as it unfolds. You can still set up “rules” like I will do two sit-ups during a commercial break, or I will drink water first thing in the morning, but these are ways to help you stay in alignment with your WHY.
Another influence that helps you stay on course is taking each day one step at a time. Start small and let the motivation of each win carry you forward. A few months into my walking journey, I started paying attention to the kinds of food I was eating. After a great walk, I didn’t want to ruin it by eating a burger and fries. I slowly added salads to my diet.
No one likes to be pushed around so why would you want to do that to yourself?
As humans, we are designed with “three chairmen”, the mind, body, and spirit connection. When they are in sync, you become unstoppable by simply deciding. Get clear about your WHY and opportunities to help you achieve your goal will pop up on your mental radar.
Here are some things to consider when implementing “rules”
If you know the rules, then you know how to break them too especially if we are the ones who made them in the first place. Rules serve a very important role when first establishing a new habit, but if they remain checked, they can also become the very thing that hinders your growth.
Consider rules like a baby’s crib, they serve to protect your habit but eventually we will outgrow them. It isn’t until you want to create or break a habit that you realize just how much our rules have an influence on our behavior.
Realize that with everything that is worthwhile in having, it needs time and space to cultivate. By adding this new habit, consider what you need to prepare for it to grow. For example, readers look for time to read even perhaps create a special corner or buy a special reading chair to ease their mind for reading mode.
What will help trigger your habit? Like I mentioned above, commercial breaks can be your trigger to do push-ups or sit-ups. This reminds me of the time when I was in the military, and we were preparing for an upcoming fitness test. Our commanders would post signs like “do 20 push-ups” on Post-It-Notes on their doors. If you entered their office, you had to do what was posted on the note. It made it kind of fun especially when the whole company was involved.
Keep it fun. Creating habits does not have to be forced. Get your family or friends involved to help you stay on track. Celebrate the wins and keep track of your progress. Seeing progress is another great way to keep you going.
Last and certainly not least, give yourself grace. The fact that you made the decision to change is the most important decision of all. Remember, if it was easy, everyone would do it!
Thank you for taking time out to read this post. I would love to learn more about who you are and what you do. Feel free to check out my YouTube Channels and leave a comment.
“Give space to your thoughts, clear the noise in your head, chit-chat with your inner critic, decide and move on.” ― Cristina Imre
I woke up thinking about how I almost let my inner critic stop me from growing this week. Here’s my challenge.
I love making Instagram Reels. It’s easy and fun for me to put little video clips together. What I figured out is that I could create the video clips and then add them to my YouTube channel as Shorts. It is a win-win for me and my viewers because I found another way to keep my original channel active now that I have moved my interview content to a whole new channel. This is also an opportunity to share more about who I am and what I do.
There is only one thing that presents a struggle and that is my fear of talking directly into the camera. In order to overcome this resistance, I decided to talk about the one thing I feel pretty confident about and that is habits. I started recording mini videos of my talking about how to make habits stick as I work on my challenge of talking on video.
I had one fluke video hit over 1600 views and I was feeling pretty good. The next couple of videos hit about 100 views and lately my videos are only attracting 3-6 views. I started obsessing about the view count and was ready to stop making videos. I started looking at the view count as my success indicator.
My inner critic was in full attack mode and had enough ammunition to make me want to give up. I started questioning myself and this whole idea of creating YouTube Shorts. I started thinking I wasn’t doing the “right” thing. Fortunately, I woke up this morning with a refreshed attitude and a the insight of, “stop looking at the numbers.”
After a few minutes of reflection, I realized “stop looking at the numbers” was code for stop looking for outside validation.
How many times have you stopped doing what you enjoy doing because the numbers don’t look good, especially in the beginning? Did we start out doing it for the numbers? For me the answer is no. I wanted to share information on a subject that I love talking about and I thought could be of help to someone else. I also wanted to get pass my fear of speaking directly on camera.
It is at these moments in time that the one person who pops in my head (surprisingly) is Cardi B. She went from being a stripper to becoming a rapper. I can only imagine how much negativity and limited self-talk she had to overcome. So when I think about giving up, I think about how other people had to overcome the same “stinking thinking” in order to do what they are doing today. If Cardi B can go from stripping to becoming a sought out entertainer, I can get past my fear of talking on camera!
Who inspires you and why? Keep them in mind when your inner critic starts to creep in. There are so many people, who battle their inner critic everyday and are winning, and so can we!
Here’s some additional suggestions I would like to offer up:
Write out your “why” and keep it in view.
Make a list of people who inspire you along with why they inspire you.
Before making any major decisions, go for a walk or allow some time for you to think. Let you mind settle.
Journal your thoughts and feelings. Awareness is key!
Record your progress. Every little step forward is a win.
Celebrate your wins.
Find an accountability partner.
Keep in mind that everyone has to start somewhere. It is always harder in the beginning.
Don’t pay attention to the numbers! If the vision or the thought came to you, it belongs to you. You are the one who can bring it to life, if you choose to.
Thank you for taking time out to read this post. I would love to learn more about who you are and what you do. Feel free to check out my YouTube Channels and leave a comment.
“If you are not consciously building your habits, they are unconsciously building you.” ― Anika J. Green
Quora Question: What is one way to create good habits that stick?
I would like to begin by answering this question by saying, take an assessment of what you are doing right now. Pay attention to the types of activities you do right now because without knowing where you are, you won’t be able to know if you are heading in the right direction once you start.
There is a little tiny “GPS” in all of us that knows what we need and what we want, but for some reason, we turned the volume off or never even tried to turn it on in the first place.
My first bit of advice is to get still and listen for that small, tiny voice or start paying attention to what makes your heart sing. These are clues that your soul is sending to us, and we must start listening otherwise the activities we try to incorporate into our lives will not stick.
Depending where you are on your personal development journey, there are things we can implement that can help us become better listeners. I would like to offer a few suggestions here:
Go for a daily walk. You can start off with a 5 or 10-minute walk around your neighborhood or at a local park. The point of starting is to make it simple and doable.
Start a gratitude journal. When you write, you are making your thoughts visible. You can’t write something without first thinking about it. Again, start small with maybe 3-5 things you are grateful for each day or once a week.
Meditate. Shut your devices off and sit quietly for 5-10 minutes.
These activities are great for helping to turn your personal, inner GPS system back on or helping you to adjust the volume back up.
What I have learned through my own personal journey is that what we do is influenced by what we believe is possible for ourselves. This is where the inner “GPS” practices I mentioned above can come in handy. By honestly assessing where we are mentally, emotionally, and physically, we can then determine what is working for us and what we need to change.
Here are some great questions to ask yourself that can help in your assessment:
Who am I and who do I want to become?
What do I believe about myself and is it true?
What kind of activity will help me to become this kind of person?
What kind of person do I want to be know for?
The bottom line is this… we are creatures of habits! We create all kinds of habits all of the time just by doing things, sometimes on purpose, and sometimes by accident. Habits become what we do without even having to think it. It takes a lot of energy to think and that is why our brains looks for ways to save energy. So, to create positive habits that stick, you must become intentional. That means we must get our brains to wake up and think again about what we are doing. Bad habits can be formed just as easily as good habits. The difference is the kind of person you want to be identified as because of that activity. Runners run. Readers read. Creators create.
Who do you want to be?
Thinking is the magic ingredient that helps habits stick. The key to implementing the kind of change to create the desired habits is to be intentional and make our activities small, simple, and doable until they become automatic.
Thank you for taking time out to read this post. I would love to learn more about who you are and what you do. Feel free to connect with me through a Meetup group.
“You can keep as quiet as you like, but one of these days somebody is going to find you.” ― Haruki Murakami
Quora Question: What are you hiding from the world?
I am a planner person. I love the washi tape and stickers and all that crafty, creativity stuff! I used to run an Esty shop and sell my items at craft shows, so when I sit down to work on my planner, I usually have it all laid out on the living room floor. Recently, when I had all my crafting stuff out to update my planner and my husband was upstairs, I could hear him getting ready to come downstairs and my first reaction was to gather up all my things. As I started to, the first thought that popped in my head was “stop hiding.”
Ask yourself… what are you hiding from the world?
I can’t speak for others, but as a child of an alcoholic parent and a young girl who grew up in an area where there weren’t many others who looked like me, you try not to bring attention to yourself. It wasn’t until a few years ago, that I realized my opinions and feelings mattered. I didn’t learn anything about self-care until I was in my forties. That’s a long time to stay in a hiding place.
As I continue to come out of my hiding space, I am learning more about who I am and what I want, and I encourage you to come out of your hiding place too!
Our “wounds have wisdom” as Oprah Winfrey often says. What I am learning along this journey is our experiences can be lessons for us and blessing for others. Here are some practices that have helped me thus far:
Meditation. I sign up for the free meditation programs that Deepak Chopra offers. You can also search YouTube for guided meditation practices if this of interest to you. I like the guided meditations in the beginning because they helped me stay focused.
Reading. Anything you are interested in learning is available in a book, an eBook, or an audiobook. Reading helped me to realize, I am not alone. Many of the personal struggles we are dealing with, have been encountered by others who chose to share how they overcame and can be a source of inspiration for you.
Walking or Exercise. Getting up and moving is a great way to shift your energy. I say it helps to get the “gunk” out of our system. It’s like taking your car our on the highway and opening it up.
Join a group. There are several great groups that you can connect with in-person as well and virtually.
Journal. I started journaling years ago, but I never stayed consistent. What I found that can help is keeping the journal in my sights. If I see it, I am reminded to pick it up and write.
Blog. Share your story with others. You may hold the key to unlocking someone else’s breakthrough.
Have Grace with Yourself. Your life is a marathon not a sprint. Take time to sit and get to know who you are. You are worth it!
Thank you for taking time out to read this post. I would love to learn more about who you are and what you do. Feel free to connect with me through a Meetup group.
“Be less curious about people and more curious about ideas.” ― Marie Curie
Quora Question: When you see a coin on the ground, do you pick it up or leave it there?
While I was on my morning run this morning, I saw a penny laying on the ground and I initially ran over it without picking it up. I usually pick up pennies and I don’t worry about if it is face up or not. I don’t believe in the superstition about heads or tails. I had a nagging feeling to turn around and pick it up and that is what I did.
I didn’t always stop to pick up pennies until I relieved it’s a form of currency no matter what. I have heard some people say that the penny is worthless. I don’t believe that’s necessarily true. There are 100 pennies in one dollar and 100,000 pennies in 1,000 dollars. The key is to remember that each penny adds up to something. It always comes down to your perception of what equates to value.
Here is another way to look at this…
Over the past few years, I have come to believe that each one of us has a message, a gift, or an experience to share with the world. Our ideas are the sparks that lead us on the path of discovery. If you believe you have nothing to offer, you have no desire to explore what’s hidden deep down inside of you. If you do believe you have something of value to offer, we put in effort to discover what it is. We look for ways to share that message or story once we find it. Some of create businesses. Some of us write books or publish blogs. Some of us hop on podcasts or other social media channels because we want our messages and ideas out there in the world.
So where am I going with this…
Our ideas are the pennies that add value to the collective whole. Think about YouTube, if there was only one channel on the whole platform, it wouldn’t be one of the most searched platforms for entertainment or educational tools. It wouldn’t be considered “YouTube University” for sure! YouTube doesn’t add content, it manages the content that we provide and makes a nice profit from it. The ideas of the individuals who upload to the platform is what makes YouTube valuable! In other words, there are more than 100,000,000,000 ideas (pennies) that help pull in the 1.8 billion subscribers of YouTube.
Every penny has a value, just as every person matters and we all add to the collective whole. When we can see the value in each of our experiences, we will stop leaving the pennies on the ground, and or ideas un-explored. Each of our experiences in life provide ideas and lessons that the world can use. These ideas and beliefs help shape who you are and when we stop, collect them, and add them up, we may just realize how valuable we are because of them.
Thank you for taking time out to read this post. I would love to learn more about who you are and what you do. Feel free to connect with me through a Meetup group.
How does creativity promote your personal development?- Quora
I would like to think that creativity and personal development go hand in hand. Creativity is being able to look at things from different angles and coming up with new possibilities. Personal development is taking a deeper dive into who and what we can do.
Think about the last time you got a new phone. When I got my phone, the first thing I wanted to know was the basics; how to make phone calls, how to text and check my email. The more I got into using and learning how to work my phone worked, the more I start playing around with new features and new apps. I got more comfortable and more confident in exploring the possibilities of what my phone could do. Now I make videos and some much more.
We are like smart phones, without personal development and creativity in our lives, we are just scratching the surface of our capabilities. Personal development and creativity together, help us to realize we are more powerful than we think, and we stop scratching the surface and explore the possibilities. Personal development gets you to start asking questions like what else can I do or what if I try this?
I would like to offer those who are starting to dig deeper into who they are and what they can do a few simple reminders:
Enjoy the ride. The road on the self-discovery journey is a tricky one but it can also be a fun one. I like reading my old journals and seeing just how far my mindset has shifted.
Trust the process. It may be hard and lonely at times so remember the caterpillar wouldn’t become a butterfly without the metamorphizing. Can you imagine what beauty we would miss out if the caterpillar resisted.
You are not alone. There are many others out here learning and growing each day. Find other like-minded individuals to surround yourself with.
Stay Curious. Creativity can’t be used up. The more you use it the more you get in return so the personal development journey can be a lifelong discovery of endless wonder.
I would like to close with this, you are more powerful than you know. Don’t stop at the basics, unleash your full potential, and take that dive. You are a gift, and the world is calling on you!
I would love to learn more about who you are and what you do. Feel free to connect with me through a Meetup group.
“Always ask yourself: “What will happen if I say nothing?” ― Kamand Kojouri
I’m learning that the most powerful thing I can do is to simply ask. Here are three lessons I have learned over time.
Lesson One: Asking for help or asking for the opinion of others, doesn’t diminish who you are.
In the past, I have been so afraid to ask people for help or even to simply ask for their opinion. I still struggle at times but I think the older I get and the more I realize I have a purpose here on this Earth, if I don’t ask I am missing out on a golden opportunity to grow and connect with someone else. I have learned over the past few years, the more comfortable I am in knowing who I am, the less threatened I feel by someone else’s opinion.
One way I got more comfortable with other people’s opinion was during the time I was meeting with another person of faith. Our opinions were different but I focused on what we had in common. We would sit for hours discussing our views on faith. It was during this time, realized, I was comfortable with my views and at the same time could honor they other person’s view without feeling diminished. Eventually we parted ways but our friendship remains.
Lesson Two: By not asking, we automatically assume the answer is no.
My youngest daughter was one of the biggest offenders of this mental assumption as she was growing up. She was always getting herself in trouble because she was so sneaky. She would try and sneak cookies and snacks. She would take things from her sister without asking all of the time. It was so darn frustrating because we told her all of the time, “all you have to do is ask.” Asking didn’t mean she would always get what she wanted but it gave the person she was asking the opportunity to either say yes or no. I am now seeing this with my granddaughter.
Lesson Three: We allow people the opportunity to participate in our lives.
There are always two people in an equation. Allowing the person the opportunity to participate can be a gift if you allow it to be. Just think about how you feel when someone asks you for your opinion, or ask for your assistance on a project. (We’re talking about healthy boundaries and not people pleasing at this moment which is a whole other subject.)
Here are a few of my takeaways:
Ask yourself, “what’s the worst that can happen?” If you choose not to ask, you are already assuming the answer is no.
Consider how the other person might feel. Allow them the opportunity to participate.
Seek help and guidance from others. There is someone who has been through the same stuff.
Remember, you are awesome. So give yourself some Grace!!
I am not trying to pretend that asking is always easy, but it can get easier when you you take small steps. I had to hire a sales coach to help with asking for things regarding my business. I had to talk with a relationships person when I struggle with personal issues. When I need help and I am learning to ask and so can you.
We are building an empowerment and leadership network via Meetup if you are looking for a group to connect with.
“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” ― Paulo Coelho
Are we giving ourselves permission to fail?
I don’t think we do. If we gave ourselves permission to fail, just imaging how much more compassionate we could be with others. We could see that we are all just trying to do the best with our current mindsets.
I recently took some time to reflect back on some of my life experiences and realized, I have failed a lot along the way but it didn’t mean I was a failure. Being a two time divorced woman, I now realize my previous marriages helped me to become the woman I am today. There were things within me that I needed to face and address if I wanted my third marriage to work. I like the quote, “what we resist will persist.” When my current marriage hit a rocky patch a few years ago, my first instinct was to put all the blame on my husband. I considered myself the victim and could find plenty of evidence to back up my claim of how bad my husband treated me. At this time in my life, I had started reading more books on self-discovery. I would take long walks through the park and just think and my mind got curious about my role in this contractual agreement we called a marriage.
The first thing I had to do, was to forgive myself. I learned to give myself a little more grace and become a little bit more loving with myself. My defense mechanism had always been to find all the wrong in my husband without considering putting the spotlight on me. There were some hard truths I had to face about myself.
I would not saying that my previous marriages would have worked out had I taken the deeper dive into myself before then, but I am thankful for the lessons that they taught me. I don’t hold any ill will towards my exes because I know, like me, they were doing the best they knew.
So, back to main point: learning to give ourselves permission to fail, here are my takeaways:
Commit to becoming a lifetime learner. Learn who you are and what to like and dislike.
Be willing to explore new things. Life is what you make of it.
If you fail at something, don’t quit, keep trying. Become like a scientist, take inventory of what worked and figure out what didn’t then go back to the drawing board.
I am including an Amazon Affiliate link to one of the books that helped my through my rough patch. It’s titled, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman: https://amzn.to/3vfYDSe
Sweet N Social 