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Tag: Tonia tyler

  • Are External Factors Affecting Your Success? My Guess Is Yes

    Are External Factors Affecting Your Success? My Guess Is Yes

    “The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.” ― Jordan Belfort

    Have you ever stopped doing something you enjoyed because you didn’t get likes, subscribers or followers you wanted? I want to talk about how we can manage the external sources of influence that keep us from creating the life we want.

    One day while I was running, I was thinking to myself that I would stop making Instagram Reels. The problem with that thinking is, I love making Instagram Reel videos. I love taking 10-second clips of video and turning it into a snippet of entertainment. I think that is why I have enjoyed learning how to make YouTube videos too.

    Back to the problem, I was getting frustrated because I was losing followers on my IG page and I automatically assume it was because of the videos. I also started criticizing myself for posting videos of the nature I would see on my walks which helps me to stay creative.

    I was ready to stop doing the one of the things that brings me joy because of external sources. In many cases we don’t know or will never know why people unfollow, unsubscribe, or unlike us, but our minds will search for reasons and that what was happening to me.

    Here’s what we have to keep in mind, their action have nothing to do with us. We are internalizing or trying to rationalize what someone else is thinking when we try to “guess” or “figure out” what made them take action without ever asking them directly. When we do this, nothing positive usually comes from this kind of thinking. We are our worst critiques!

    When we decide to stop doing the things we enjoy doing because of likes, subscribers, or followers we are measuring our success by the standards of others. These are what we call external sources of influences. Learning how to navigate these external sources of influences is key especially when it comes to honoring what it is that we enjoy doing and makes us happy.

    Here are a few suggestions that have helped me:

    Define what success looks like to you.

    Asking yourself what feeling are you after is a great place to start. Are you after happiness? Inner peace? Fulfillment? Then ask yourself, what kinds of activities bring me those kinds of feelings?

    When I started walking years ago, I was looking for inner peace during a chaotic period of my life. Nine years later, I still walk because I found the inner peace I was looking for in my life. I also lost weight and my marriage is much healthier and stronger too.

    Keep in mind why you started in the first place.

    Sometimes when we stop to reconnect with our why, we remember what was the motivating force behind starting in the first place.

    For instance, when I started my YouTube channel, I started it as a way to provide uplifting content to deal with the COVID shutdown. I asked some of the life coaches in my network if they would like to share some insight on how to deal with the COVID shutdown. My goal was not to become a YouTube Influencer.

    By always remembering why I started my channel it helps me to keep in perspective what I am doing it for so when I don’t get the likes, subscribers or comments I don’t have the desire to quit. I have stronger reason to keep going and that is like sprinkles on the cupcake. It also helps me to stay consistent in uploading my content. Whoever is looking for it, when they need it, can find it!

    Remember that You Matter.

    I think this one is the most important factor in all of this. You matter and your voice matters. Our experiences in life are not exclusively for you. It is for you to share the lessons you learned because of it.

    When we take time to learn the lessons along our journey, they can become the missing pieces to someone else’s puzzle. When we allow the external sources of influence to stop us, we are saying subconsciously, that we do not matter and what we experience in life is irrelevant. That is one of the biggest lies we can say to ourselves. You matter, your opinions matter and someone is waiting for your message in the big beautiful world of ours.

    Thank you for taking time out to read this post. I invite you to check out my Instagram Reels and leave a comment. Feedback is always welcome.

    Quote Source: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/excuses

    Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/confidentstrides/

  • Advice on How to Make Rules That Build Healthy Habits

    Advice on How to Make Rules That Build Healthy Habits

    “Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

    Quora Question: How did you force yourself to stick to healthy habits?

    The very first thing I did was determine what I wanted to create and then I set up rules that would protect my habit until it could “feed” itself.

    For instance, when I started my walking habit, my main objective was to find peace during a chaotic period of my life.  I had always enjoyed playing and being out in nature while I was growing up.  I found peace and happiness so when I needed to find peace, I went back to the one thing I knew would give me that. A walk in the park.  I never set out to become a “walker” it just felt right and natural.  Nine years later, I still find peace and happiness out on the trails.

    I would never encourage anyone to “force” themselves to do anything.  I think the biggest success comes from knowing your why first and trusting the process as it unfolds.  You can still set up “rules” like I will do two sit-ups during a commercial break, or I will drink water first thing in the morning, but these are ways to help you stay in alignment with your WHY.

    Another influence that helps you stay on course is taking each day one step at a time. Start small and let the motivation of each win carry you forward. A few months into my walking journey, I started paying attention to the kinds of food I was eating.  After a great walk, I didn’t want to ruin it by eating a burger and fries.  I slowly added salads to my diet.  

    No one likes to be pushed around so why would you want to do that to yourself?  

    As humans, we are designed with “three chairmen”, the mind, body, and spirit connection.  When they are in sync, you become unstoppable by simply deciding.  Get clear about your WHY and opportunities to help you achieve your goal will pop up on your mental radar.

    Here are some things to consider when implementing “rules”

    1. If you know the rules, then you know how to break them too especially if we are the ones who made them in the first place.  Rules serve a very important role when first establishing a new habit, but if they remain checked, they can also become the very thing that hinders your growth. 
    2. Consider rules like a baby’s crib, they serve to protect your habit but eventually we will outgrow them.  It isn’t until you want to create or break a habit that you realize just how much our rules have an influence on our behavior.  
    3. Realize that with everything that is worthwhile in having, it needs time and space to cultivate. By adding this new habit, consider what you need to prepare for it to grow.  For example, readers look for time to read even perhaps create a special corner or buy a special reading chair to ease their mind for reading mode. 
    4. What will help trigger your habit? Like I mentioned above, commercial breaks can be your trigger to do push-ups or sit-ups.  This reminds me of the time when I was in the military, and we were preparing for an upcoming fitness test.  Our commanders would post signs like “do 20 push-ups” on Post-It-Notes on their doors. If you entered their office, you had to do what was posted on the note.  It made it kind of fun especially when the whole company was involved.
    5. Keep it fun. Creating habits does not have to be forced. Get your family or friends involved to help you stay on track.  Celebrate the wins and keep track of your progress.  Seeing progress is another great way to keep you going.
    6. Last and certainly not least, give yourself grace.  The fact that you made the decision to change is the most important decision of all. Remember, if it was easy, everyone would do it!

    Thank you for taking time out to read this post. I would love to learn more about who you are and what you do. Feel free to check out my YouTube Channels and leave a comment.

    Quote Source: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/rules

    1. Confident Strides YouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wjtS11
    2. Coffee With T YouTube Channel (Interviews) https://bit.ly/3rYLJHR

    To connect with me: https:///confidentstrides

  • Creating Habits: 9 Ways to Stop the Need for External Approval

    Creating Habits: 9 Ways to Stop the Need for External Approval

    “Give space to your thoughts, clear the noise in your head, chit-chat with your inner critic, decide and move on.” ― Cristina Imre

    I woke up thinking about how I almost let my inner critic stop me from growing this week. Here’s my challenge.

    I love making Instagram Reels. It’s easy and fun for me to put little video clips together. What I figured out is that I could create the video clips and then add them to my YouTube channel as Shorts. It is a win-win for me and my viewers because I found another way to keep my original channel active now that I have moved my interview content to a whole new channel. This is also an opportunity to share more about who I am and what I do.

    There is only one thing that presents a struggle and that is my fear of talking directly into the camera. In order to overcome this resistance, I decided to talk about the one thing I feel pretty confident about and that is habits. I started recording mini videos of my talking about how to make habits stick as I work on my challenge of talking on video.

    I had one fluke video hit over 1600 views and I was feeling pretty good. The next couple of videos hit about 100 views and lately my videos are only attracting 3-6 views. I started obsessing about the view count and was ready to stop making videos. I started looking at the view count as my success indicator.

    My inner critic was in full attack mode and had enough ammunition to make me want to give up. I started questioning myself and this whole idea of creating YouTube Shorts. I started thinking I wasn’t doing the “right” thing. Fortunately, I woke up this morning with a refreshed attitude and a the insight of, “stop looking at the numbers.”

    After a few minutes of reflection, I realized “stop looking at the numbers” was code for stop looking for outside validation.

    How many times have you stopped doing what you enjoy doing because the numbers don’t look good, especially in the beginning? Did we start out doing it for the numbers? For me the answer is no. I wanted to share information on a subject that I love talking about and I thought could be of help to someone else. I also wanted to get pass my fear of speaking directly on camera.

    It is at these moments in time that the one person who pops in my head (surprisingly) is Cardi B. She went from being a stripper to becoming a rapper. I can only imagine how much negativity and limited self-talk she had to overcome. So when I think about giving up, I think about how other people had to overcome the same “stinking thinking” in order to do what they are doing today. If Cardi B can go from stripping to becoming a sought out entertainer, I can get past my fear of talking on camera!

    Who inspires you and why? Keep them in mind when your inner critic starts to creep in. There are so many people, who battle their inner critic everyday and are winning, and so can we!

    Here’s some additional suggestions I would like to offer up:

    1. Write out your “why” and keep it in view.
    2. Make a list of people who inspire you along with why they inspire you.
    3. Before making any major decisions, go for a walk or allow some time for you to think. Let you mind settle.
    4. Journal your thoughts and feelings. Awareness is key!
    5. Record your progress. Every little step forward is a win.
    6. Celebrate your wins.
    7. Find an accountability partner.
    8. Keep in mind that everyone has to start somewhere. It is always harder in the beginning.
    9. Don’t pay attention to the numbers! If the vision or the thought came to you, it belongs to you. You are the one who can bring it to life, if you choose to.

    Thank you for taking time out to read this post. I would love to learn more about who you are and what you do. Feel free to check out my YouTube Channels and leave a comment.

    Quote Source: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/inner-critic

    1. Coffee With T YouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wjtS11
    2. Confident Strides YouTube Channel (Interviews) https://bit.ly/3rYLJHR

    To connect with me: https:///confidentstrides

  • What is One Way to Create Good Habits That Stick? Be Intentional

    What is One Way to Create Good Habits That Stick? Be Intentional

    “If you are not consciously building your habits, they are unconsciously building you.” 
    ― Anika J. Green

    Quora Question: What is one way to create good habits that stick?

    I would like to begin by answering this question by saying, take an assessment of what you are doing right now. Pay attention to the types of activities you do right now because without knowing where you are, you won’t be able to know if you are heading in the right direction once you start. 

    There is a little tiny “GPS” in all of us that knows what we need and what we want, but for some reason, we turned the volume off or never even tried to turn it on in the first place.  

     My first bit of advice is to get still and listen for that small, tiny voice or start paying attention to what makes your heart sing.  These are clues that your soul is sending to us, and we must start listening otherwise the activities we try to incorporate into our lives will not stick. 

    Depending where you are on your personal development journey, there are things we can implement that can help us become better listeners.  I would like to offer a few suggestions here:

    1. Go for a daily walk.  You can start off with a 5 or 10-minute walk around your neighborhood or at a local park.  The point of starting is to make it simple and doable.  
    2. Start a gratitude journal.  When you write, you are making your thoughts visible.  You can’t write something without first thinking about it. Again, start small with maybe 3-5 things you are grateful for each day or once a week.
    3. Meditate.  Shut your devices off and sit quietly for 5-10 minutes. 

    These activities are great for helping to turn your personal, inner GPS system back on or helping you to adjust the volume back up. 

    What I have learned through my own personal journey is that what we do is influenced by what we believe is possible for ourselves.  This is where the inner “GPS” practices I mentioned above can come in handy.  By honestly assessing where we are mentally, emotionally, and physically, we can then determine what is working for us and what we need to change. 

    Here are some great questions to ask yourself that can help in your assessment:

    1. Who am I and who do I want to become? 
    2. What do I believe about myself and is it true?
    3. What kind of activity will help me to become this kind of person?
    4. What kind of person do I want to be know for?

    The bottom line is this… we are creatures of habits! We create all kinds of habits all of the time just by doing things, sometimes on purpose, and sometimes by accident. Habits become what we do without even having to think it. It takes a lot of energy to think and that is why our brains looks for ways to save energy. So, to create positive habits that stick, you must become intentional.  That means we must get our brains to wake up and think again about what we are doing. Bad habits can be formed just as easily as good habits. The difference is the kind of person you want to be identified as because of that activity. Runners run. Readers read. Creators create.

    Who do you want to be?

    Thinking is the magic ingredient that helps habits stick.  The key to implementing the kind of change to create the desired habits is to be intentional and make our activities small, simple, and doable until they become automatic.

    Thank you for taking time out to read this post. I would love to learn more about who you are and what you do. Feel free to connect with me through a Meetup group.

    Quote Source: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/intentional-living

    1. Confident Strides Women’s Empowerment Network https://bit.ly/CSWENMeetup
    2. Confident Strides Personal Development Network Group https://bit.ly/CSPDNMeetup
    3. Confident Strides Women’s Professional Network https://bit.ly/CSWPNMeetup
    4. Confident Strides Entrepreneurs Network https://bit.ly/CSENMeetup

    To connect with me: https:///confidentstrides

  • Simply Ask: Your Chances of a Yes Increase by Fifty Percent

    “Always ask yourself: “What will happen if I say nothing?”  ― Kamand Kojouri

    I’m learning that the most powerful thing I can do is to simply ask. Here are three lessons I have learned over time.

    Lesson One: Asking for help or asking for the opinion of others, doesn’t diminish who you are.

    In the past, I have been so afraid to ask people for help or even to simply ask for their opinion. I still struggle at times but I think the older I get and the more I realize I have a purpose here on this Earth, if I don’t ask I am missing out on a golden opportunity to grow and connect with someone else. I have learned over the past few years, the more comfortable I am in knowing who I am, the less threatened I feel by someone else’s opinion.

    One way I got more comfortable with other people’s opinion was during the time I was meeting with another person of faith. Our opinions were different but I focused on what we had in common. We would sit for hours discussing our views on faith. It was during this time, realized, I was comfortable with my views and at the same time could honor they other person’s view without feeling diminished. Eventually we parted ways but our friendship remains.

    Lesson Two: By not asking, we automatically assume the answer is no.

    My youngest daughter was one of the biggest offenders of this mental assumption as she was growing up. She was always getting herself in trouble because she was so sneaky. She would try and sneak cookies and snacks. She would take things from her sister without asking all of the time. It was so darn frustrating because we told her all of the time, “all you have to do is ask.” Asking didn’t mean she would always get what she wanted but it gave the person she was asking the opportunity to either say yes or no. I am now seeing this with my granddaughter.

    Lesson Three: We allow people the opportunity to participate in our lives.

    There are always two people in an equation. Allowing the person the opportunity to participate can be a gift if you allow it to be. Just think about how you feel when someone asks you for your opinion, or ask for your assistance on a project. (We’re talking about healthy boundaries and not people pleasing at this moment which is a whole other subject.)

    Here are a few of my takeaways:

    1. Ask yourself, “what’s the worst that can happen?” If you choose not to ask, you are already assuming the answer is no.
    2. Consider how the other person might feel. Allow them the opportunity to participate.
    3. Seek help and guidance from others. There is someone who has been through the same stuff.
    4. Remember, you are awesome. So give yourself some Grace!!

    I am not trying to pretend that asking is always easy, but it can get easier when you you take small steps. I had to hire a sales coach to help with asking for things regarding my business. I had to talk with a relationships person when I struggle with personal issues. When I need help and I am learning to ask and so can you.

    We are building an empowerment and leadership network via Meetup if you are looking for a group to connect with.

    Quote Source: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/ask

  • Noticing the Invisible Influences: Who Do We Let Run Through Our Minds?

    It’s a little bit like Goldilocks. We don’t want to be the same as everybody else, but too different is also bad. We’re trying to walk the line between being similar and different. -Jonah Berger

    Who are you giving permission to run through your mind?

    We all of a circle of influence whether we know it or not. Some of us have smaller circles than other but they still operate in the same manner. They are the ones who influence our thoughts and behaviors. We are even influencers of others too.

    I recently asked a networking group that I facilitate this very questions. I have to admit that I never really gave this question much thought until recently. In many of the self-discovery books, they often state that we become like the people we associate with on a daily basis. The more I ponder this thought, I do think it has some truth to it.

    Many of the women in my networking group have written a book and are looking to create an online course. I also have had a desire to write a book but it’s been way down on the list. I also would like to create an online course, but again it’s been way down on the life goal list as well, until recently. I am starting to see pathway to achieving both the goal of writing a book and creating an online course.

    I remember a few years ago, when I used to take my former neighbor to her doctor’s appointments and grocery shopping that she was a vegetarian. At that time, I started noticing that I became more aware about my meat consumption and at times considered cutting meat out of my diet.

    What I like most about this question is that it makes you stop and take notice of who we grant access to influence our lives. These are the people who help us create the kind of life we want and accomplish the goals we want to achieve. They can either be helping you to achieve your dreams or hindering you. I definitely think it’s worth your time to take a closer look.

    Here are some of my takeaways:

    1. Pay attention to who you surround yourself with.
    2. Notice how they affect your life. Do they help or hinder you from creating the kind of life you want? Do you like who you are becoming? Who do you need to be around more? or less?
    3. Remember: You are awesome. Give yourself some Grace!

    Here is an Amazon affiliate link for “Invisible Influence: The Hidden Forces that Shape Behavior” by Jonah Berger who I quoted in the beginning: https://amzn.to/3aB5YlR

    I am also including an article I came across while I was writing this post that may explain more about how we make our decisions that also mentioned the book which is also my Quote Source: https://behavioralscientist.org/invisible-influence-how-other-people-think-for-you-and-why-thats-ok/

    Join me on Meetup at https://bit.ly/CSPDNMeetup

    Other ways to connect with me: https://linktr.ee/confidentstrides

  • To Achieve Your Dreams: Put your Blinders On and Create Life Your Way

    “Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.” ― Lewis Carroll

    Best way to start your own blog is not to read others peoples! You will inevitably compare your writing with everyone else’s and that will or can kill your momentum.

    This is what I call putting your blinders on. It works in what ever your choose to accomplish in your life. When I started blogging a few years ago and I had lots of great momentum until I started reading and seeing what others were doing in theirs posts. I started thinking about how great their writing was and how many likes they had and followers and everything else. Slowly my desire to write died.

    The only takeaway: do it the best way you know how. We are never experts starting out and that’s the beauty of the newness. We don’t have the expert thinking or even the followers who notice the very mistakes we will make. We are on a journey of self-discovery and that road is fun and scary at the same time. Nothing kills momentum more than the comparison bug!

    It is this very thinking that helped me start and maintain my YouTube channel. This kind of thinking is what will help me to write these blog posts and do many other things. So make the mistakes, start with “sucky” posts and just keep growing and exploring. Put your blinders are and create life your way!

    Quote Source: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/self-discovery

    Ways to connect with me: https://linktr.ee/confidentstrides